I'm Done

I'm done chickening out.
I'm done being non-confrontational when I need to be.
I'm done being jealous.
I'm done waiting.
I'm done caring why he likes her and not me.
I'm done letting people walk all over me.
I'm done being ignored.
I'm done. I'm done. I'M DONE!


It's time for a change -- a much needed change.


I don't care why he doesn't like me, anymore. Maybe he's just not worth it. Maybe this is God's way of saying, "Hey, he will cause too much drama. You don't need him. There is another guy out there for you." I've argued with Him about this a lot, but who am I to tell Him that He's wrong? Who cares if hypnogirl is JUST LIKE ME and for some reason he ONLY LIKES HER? Not me, not anymore. I am not going to let him take over my life. If I want to take Drama class next semester, even if that means not having a class with him anymore, then I will. It's not like having a class with him has helped the situation at all. If anything it's made it worse.

And if I have a suggestion for the Yearbook, they will listen. I will make them. Since when do I dread going to my favorite class? Since I started letting them walk all over me, that's when. It's getting on my nerves.

Speaking of getting on my nerves, Han is making me angry! O is my best friend and I hate it when she is upset, which has been happening more than it should lately. All I want to do is yell at him. I want to MAKE him listen.

I wonder what would happen if I just started yelling. Yelling at everyone. I don't yell. So, if I just started yelling at everyone and everything, would people listen? or would they just think I'm crazy? I wish I had the courage to yell, but I always just end up chickening out. ALL THE TIME!

Someday, that is going to stop. Someday, people will listen. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe next year. It will happen. Someday. Hopefully tomorrow.

~lyss

I'm Not That Girl.....But That Girl Next To Me Is.

I know I whine about this alot. I end up writing the same things, being angry at the same two people, and talking about how she constantly hypnotizes him, but am I wasting my time? It's been almost a year since he said that he just wanted to stay friends. Why can't I just get over it?

Here are the possible reasons I have came up with:

1) He's just so cute! Why must he be so freaking adorable all the freaking time!! I mean, can't he just do something to make me angry for once? Can't he just call me a bad name, start cussing, stop respecting girls, or just start being mean? No. No he can't. Instead, he accidentally gives me hat head (then gave me a slight hug later), threatens to glue paper to my face, tells me how freaking awesome my art work was and begged me to let him have it, and mumbles about who knows what all time which always makes me smile or laugh. Yeah. That's real helpful Kalel, thank you for that.

2) She is everywhere. Everywhere I turn, she's there. A lot of those times, he's with her. Everyday right after lunch, he comes up and talks to me and o. What a coincidence that her locker just happens to be right by my classroom door that we have to sit in front of waiting for the teacher. He only talks to us until she comes to her locker, then he completely ignores my existence. I also have two classes that I have to put up with her in. I was doing pretty good at ignoring her (except for the same-shirt-want-to-burn-hers incident, of course), until today. Today, my French teacher decided to put the one girl I absolutely did not want to sit by...right beside me. She will be there for the next 9 weeks. Joy. Now I have to be friendly. Now I have to actually talk to her, IN FRENCH.

and 3) Could it be love? Who knows, right? He's not going to snap out of it anytime soon. I just know it. I desperately want to get over him, but I......I just can't.

In the words of Elfie, "He could be that boy....but I'm not that girl."

~lyss

PLEASE VOTE FOR ME!!

Photo Shoot Out 2 Brickfish

An Almost Very Merry Birthday To Me

Today is my 18th birthday. Being an adult makes me feel extremely excited, yet somewhat terrified at the same time. However, I won't get into a discussion about the pros and cons of being an adult right now.



Overall, my birthday was pretty close to perfect. All the people that I wanted to come to my party, came. All the people I didn't really want there but invited anyway so I wouldn't feel guilty, were too busy to come. Everything worked out as planned and I had all of my favorite people in the world around me all weekend. Bess spent the night on Friday and all day Saturday. Me, Bess, O, Han, Mom and Dad all went on the boat for a few hours on Saturday and then we (and Kalel joined us later) came back to my house where we watched Tommy Boy on our garage door with a borrowed projector. We had sooo much fun. Then, O spent the night and we stayed up until at least 4. The next day, my family all came over and we ate dumplings (my favorite!!) and Oreo cake (my new favorite kind of cake!). I got some cool guitar shirts, movies, a shelf for all of my many movies, a comfy chair, a eiffel tower photo album, a book, a light up cube thing..(i have no idea what it is called), a bag, magnets, a thing with japanese writing on it, some watercolor pencils, a drawing from O (finally! ^^), and over a hundred dollars towards my New York trip on Spring Break.



I had the perfect birthday.......almost.



The one thing that would have made it better would have been if Kalel had snapped out of his hypnotic state and realized that he actually liked me. That would have been nice....but of course, it didn't happen. I didn't think it would. It would have been amazing though if it did. One of the best birthday presents ever. Basically, Kalel is stuck in some far away fantasy land where he thinks he can get hypnogirl to like him. In reality, however, she just wants to be his friend. She actually even likes someone else. But he can't see that. He just can't seem to look away from her hypnotic eyes. Sometimes, I wish I could just smack him and he would snap out of it. I know that it wouldn't work though. This whole situation is making me angry. Not so much at hypnogirl anymore, but at Kalel. He is very frustrating......yet I can't seem to look away from his hypnotic eyes.



~lyss

A Clueless Boy, A Confusing "Friend", and A Crappy Sister

I have had three completely different things on my mind since Friday. I've been wanting and meaning to blog, but I didn't know which to blog about first. I usually talk about only one subject at a time. This time, though, I am going to be different.

The Clueless: (and yes. It is Kalel....again.)

I know I talk about him a lot, but it's not my fault. I'm going to see him...and Hypnogirl....everyday now. Seeing him this much should be a good thing, right? Most of the time it is and will be, but sometimes he makes me so angry! He doesn't even do anything wrong. He doesn't say anything to hurt me. He is just so CLUELESS!!! I could be right there next to him, totally staring right at him and he wouldn't even notice. He is defineately being hypnotised by you know who. I just know it. Why else would he add another class that she just so happened to be in? I mean, I know he likes art and he may like making pottery, I don't know. But is it just a coincidence that little miss amazing was in that class before he joined? Is it just a coincidence that he joined a class she was in, after her and her boyfriend broke up? I know what he is trying to do. He is trying to hypnotise her. When will he see that the girl who sits next to him doesn't need to be hypnotised. That was already done a long time ago and he wasn't even trying.

The Confusing:

I have only talked to Winnie once in the past 2 months. I have only seen her three times in the past 3-4 months (All three times I saw her, were for only about 2 seconds each. No words were said.) I'm losing her. I can't decide if that is good or bad. Maybe it is best if we just go our separate ways. It would sure save me a ton of headaches. On the other hand, if she ever does something really stupid or something happens to her, I will probably blame myself for not being there for her when I had once promised her I would be.

The Crappy:

Very few people even know I have a sister. I also have a brother, but most people are aware of that. You see, my dad was married before he met my mom. So, before me, he had Jess and Nelle. When I was little, they came over ever other weekend. I was actually kind of close-ish to my sister, until she moved in with a friend. Then she started making promises she couldn't keep, made lame excuses, and stopped coming around. She once promised she would come to my birthday party. I was so excited because I hadn't seen her in a while. People started coming, we ate cake, I opened presents, and then the phone rang. She said she couldn't make it because she "didn't feel good". Well guess what? After that phone call, I didn't feel very good either. I knew she was lying. I knew she just didn't want to go to some little girl's lame birthday party. She would much rather hang out with her friends than her own little sister. That fact has never changed. She doesn't know anything about me, nor does she try to get to know me. The only time I ever see her is on Christmas (sometimes) and very, very special occasions, like our niece being born and our brother's wedding. She says she doesn't have time to come visit, yet she can come see Landri at least once a month. She doesn't bother coming to see her dad or her sister. On the bright side though, I did get a very good brother. Jess actually has time for me and Dad. He knows me a lot better than Nelle ever did. He even kicked an enemy/bully of mine out of his wedding reception after party thing. Oh yea, and I now have a NEW sister that is way cooler than my real one. She even knows me better. Also they gave me the most adorable little niece ever! ^^

~lyss

She Has Become A Convienent Scapegoat

Everyone has had a scapegoat at least once. We use them to avoid our real problems. We take our anger out on them when we are actually angry at someone completely different. I have one of those convienent scapegoats right now. I call her Hypnogirl. I think she has some kind of weird hypnotic power to make everyone think she's little miss perfect and the best artist in the 11th grade. I'm not saying that I am jealous of her, because I'm not. I am just curious about a few things. Why does she have so many guys that like her? What does she have, that I don't? What does Kalel see in her, that's not in me?

I don't actually even know that he still likes her. He might still be completely in love with her or he might have gotten over her in the past year, when she got a boyfriend. I found out that he liked her when he confessed it in an email a year ago. That's actually when I realized how much I really liked him. I didn't really mind Hypnogirl until that email. I started thinking about how much I didn't really like her, except I didn't really know why. Then I realized it was because Kalel liked her. I already liked him before that, but that was really when I started falling. hard. very hard.

Now I have a class with Kalel, so maybe...just maybe...he will stop being such a silly slowpoke and snap out of it. Maybe I can get him out of his hypnotic state, if he is still in it. On the other hand, I have not one, but two classes with Hypnogirl. All I have to say is, I better not have to partner up with her for something. It won't be happy. It's not that I hate her, she is just frustrating me. In reality, I am probably actually mad at Kalel for just wanting to stay my "friend". I guess I am just going to have to stay just his "friend" for now and see where having him in my art class goes. And then someday, I will take another risk and approach him about it. This time...it will be in person instead of on a piece of paper.

~lyss

A Royal Pain...On My Nerves

Have you ever wished that you had a remote that could control one of your friends? You know, like.....volume/mute, power, pause, stop, sleep, fast forward, channel up/down, .......function? or maybe you would like to make up some buttons; stop whining, be happy, make sense, stop only thinking about yourself. If you are nodding your head right now, that means you know exactly how I feel.

I met Winnie in junior high and we almost immediately became best friends. We had so much in common and I really liked hanging out with her. She came over all the time. We talked almost everyday. She kept telling me how she has never had a best friend like me before. They would usually be gone by now. She tends to be really confused, loud, annoying, over emotional, and stressful. Somehow though, I managed to overlook all that.

Then, Winnie's grandma died and she started to act different, but just a little. That is understandable though. About a year later, she started telling me about her horrible dad and how he always yells at her. I was concerned but I got a little scared when she came to school one day with bruises on her arm and back. I didn't realize it was that serious.

A few months later her parents got divorced. Her mom cheated on her dad. This may be a bad thing to say, but I don't blame her. Her dad is a jerk (to put it nicely. very. nicely.). Seriously, this guy is a psycho. He yells at her while she is on the phone and in public. Once, he was screaming at her because she didn't clean the hog pen good enough AT THE 4H FAIR. She was crying, people were staring, and I was right beside her. I wanted to punch him in the face. He tries to control her entire life; her friends, the classes she takes at school, everything she does, everything she has. Yet, she chooses HIM to live with. I guess she felt betrayed by her mom, but her mom is much better than her dad. I still don't understand why she made that decision.

So here she is, living with her dad who abuses her, mentally and sometimes physically, and he decides to get married again. She got herself a new mommy. and step-brother. She loved them at first, then her stepmom started acting different; crying and yelling all the time. She started leaving Winnie out. Now she can't stand living with any of them.

I tried to be there for her. I really tried. I tried until Winnie started acting like her dad. She hurt two people who are very important to me, two people who didn't deserve to be hurt. She judges people way too much. She doesn't think about the consequences of everything she says and does. I know that maybe it's her dad's fault, but she doesn't have to be like her dad. I am just afraid that she will be.

It's not just the way she treats other people or doesn't think sometimes that makes me so irratated. She keeps distancing herself more and more. She doesn't tell me anything. I have no idea what is going on in her life. The only thing I know about her life right now is that she has already had more boyfriends this summer than I have had in my whole life. She has called me a few times this summer, but it's like we are complete strangers. We have no idea what to talk about anymore. Even when we do have something to talk about, it's usually about her and she is the one doing the talking.

I don't know what to do about that girl. She grinds and grinds and grinds at my nerves and sooner or later I won't have any left. I have tried to talk to her about it. I told her that she has changed, but all she did was deny it and accuse ME of changing. Now I can't really even stand to be around her. Is that bad? Should I be there for her and help her? I am just not sure that I can help her anymore. I am out of helpfulness and it's not like she ever returns the favor.

~lyss

Go Figure

Have you ever been so high on sleep deprivation that you just wanted to stay up all night? Well, I wanted to last night. Usually I have to go to bed when my mom does. Partically because she has to help me get in bed, but mostly because she just wants me to go to bed. Last night, though, she got in bed at 9 something because she had a headache. Dad was getting ready to go to bed at 11 something and said, "How are you going to go to bed?"

I repied, "Maybe I won't. xD"

He said, "I don't care. It wouldn't bother me any. As long as you don't have to go to the bathroom."

It was 1 a.m. when I decided to get off the computer, sneak to my room, lay on my comfy couch, watch a movie, and pray that Mom didn't wake up. I got to my room and saw that my couch had a bunch of junk on it. I got it almost all the way cleaned off and sure enough, Mom walked in.

All I wanted was one night of freedom. One night that I could just stay up as late as I wanted. One time that I could feel like just a normal teen who stayed up way too late just because I could. I am 7 weeks away from being an adult. So why do I feel like I am 10 years old with a bed time?

This may not seem like a very big deal to anyone else. Maybe it isn't a big deal, I don't know. All I know is that I was so excited when I realized that I might have one night to do whatever I wanted. I felt somewhat free. But the second Mom walked in to my room I felt like I was being pushed back in to my cage. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. She has always been there for me. I can't thank her enough for everything she does for me on a daily basis. I just wish that sometimes she would treat me more like a 17, almost 18 year old instead of a little kid who needs help all the time and has to go to bed when she does. She doesn't mean to, but sometimes she makes me feel more handicapped than I am. All she would have to do is take me to the bathroom and put my PJs on. I could get in my bed and figure out how to pull up my covers.

Do I talk to her about it? I've tried before, she didn't really listen. I don't know what to do. Once again I am left with more questions than answers. Go figure. That's pretty much the story of my life.

~lyss

Too Many Q's, Not Enough A's.

Time really does fly doesn't it? One minute you are a scared little freshman getting ready to start high school, the next you are a scared senior getting ready to graduate. I still have a year before I graduate, but that doesn't make me any less scared. I have the same fears that every other senior has. Will I actually get to see my friends as much as I hope? Will I pick the right college to go to? I also have a whole different set of fears that most people don't even have to think about.

I haven't mentioned this yet, but I am handicapped. Not mentally though, my brain is perfectly normal (for the most part. haha.) I have what's called Arthrogryposis. Basically, it just means that some of my joints are deformed (in my hands and feet mainly) and the muscles in my arms and legs are very thin or not there at all. I usually feel fairly independent, but there are times when I feel completely helpless. I need help getting dressed, taking a bath, going to the bathroom, brushing my hair, brushing my teeth, putting on makeup...basically everything you do in the morning or at night. Do you have any idea how annoying that is? Not to mention embarrassing, kinda gross, and very, very uncomfortable.

Anyway, I've been thinking about this more and more lately. I am going to want to move out of here someday. But how? Who will do all of those embarrassing, gross and uncomfortable things for me? I can't just live here forever. I can't have my mom help me for the rest of her life. I love my parents and my house, but I don't want to just stay here. I want to move out, figure things out on my own, be free. I feel so trapped. I am trapped in my own little world and there is no way out, trapped in this house that I can't just take off from and drive somewhere, trapped inside this helpless body that I would gladly trade in for a new one. I don't even care what it looks like. Most people are so paranoid about their bodies not looking pretty enough when all I want is a pair of working arms and legs.

I wish I could go to some big, fancy art school somewhere, but how would I live in a dorm room? My mom can't just pack up and go with me. She has a husband, a family, pets, and a life here. I don't think I would really want her to go with me anyway. I love her, but there are just certain things I wish I could experience on my own.

I want to be able to travel to France, Italy, Austrailia, Japan, China, everywhere! I know that requires money, but that is not the point. I just want the ability to do something crazy like....move to a little apartment in California with a few friends for the summer and get a job at Disneyland. I mean, how AMAZING would that be???? But even if we did get enough money and courage to actually just go live in California for a summer someday, how would I do that? Would mom have to go too? Or would O help me? Would she be willing to do that? Would I want her to? Same goes with moving out. I would have to live with someone, a good friend like O or Bess. How uncomfortable would it be if they helped me with everything? What about when I get married someday? Who would help me then? My husband?? hmm.....THAT would be uncomfortable.

Told you I had a whole different set of fears than most people. I have so many questions and not one answer. You have no idea how much that scares me. I will eventually answer these questions. I'll figure it out someday and I'm sure everything will work out. Until then, I am left with all these questions and somehow, someday, I'm going to have to answer them.

~lyss

Love Your.......Something,

I've always been the go-to girl for my listening expertise and great advice. I always feel like I have to paint a smile on my face to make others feel better, no matter how I actually feel inside. So when do I get to be the ventee? My friend recently suggested writing in a secret blog. So.....here I am. It's finally my turn to vent.

Last night, I watched 27 Dresses and it got me wondering, is that going to be me someday? Am I always just going to be the bridesmaid? or in my case, just the friend? Sure, friends are great! I love my friends, but why is it that all of the guys I've known have just wanted to be my friend? Will I ever be any more than that? or maybe I'll just be that girl who he can always talk to when he's upset. That girl who has the Zelda game he wants to play. That girl who has super-speedy internet he sometimes uses to play his favorite online game. That girl that is totally cool with just being friends.....or so he thinks....

Dear Kalel,

The truth is, I'm not ok with it. The truth is that you are one of the nicest, sweetest, funniest guys I have ever met. We have so much in common; music, movies, sense of humor, sarcasm, the way we both bottle things up and don't let them out often. Except there is one thing that bugs me about you. Why is it that you seem like the most amazing person when we are together and no one else is around, but you act sooo different when there are other people around?

Now I know that the person you are when you're with just me is the person you really are. There is no way you could have pretended for ALL these years to be someone else. I know the real you and the real you would never act like you are better than everyone else. The real you would never ignore me. So where does the real Kalel go when those little red heads and the jerk are around, huh? Are you just trying to fit in? Do you really care that much about what other people think about you that you are willing to change who you are? Who you are is why I like you. Just be you and if they don't like that then they aren't worth it anyway.

I don't think you realize how amazing you truly are. But I do. That's the reason that I can't get over you. That's why I did all those things with 23, I liked it when you called. That's why I didn't talk to my friend for a whole week, she hurt you and your family. You didn't deserve that. That is why I get so excited and nervous everytime you come over. I don't even care if you are boring me with that game you love to play so much. I ignore how bored I am and enjoy that fact that you are actually here. I like YOU and I don't really think that will ever change.

Love your....something,
lyss

That is exactly what I wish I could say to him. But I just can't. Part of me wishes that he would just stumble upon my blog and read it, because I don't think I actually have the guts to say it face-to-face.

~lyss