Is This A Big Deal, Or Am I Just Making It One?

My drama never seems like a big deal to the rest of the world. I am honestly not used to having MY OWN drama. It is always someone else's. So, when I do have drama/stress of my own, it is a big deal to ME but not to OTHERS.

Anyway, on to my not-a-very-big-deal-to-everyone-else drama.

First of all, let me recap and explain my last blog. I thought that I had finally gotten over Kalel. I told myself that I was done, and then...I just was. It was stange, but I was proud of myself. I finally did it. I got over him!

or not...

Suddenly, he was found holding some other girl's hand and it made me feel very...not over him. Great...That is just what I needed...Also, he is being very secretive about her. Are they just friends? or more? Who the heck is she? What is her name? All I know about her is what school she goes to, she has red steaks in her hair and he is going to prom with her.

Now, Prom is my other part of the drama/major stress.

You see, I am not the Prom type to begin with. I have never been before, but it is my senior year and I am told that I have to. I am ok with that now. Originally, however, I was going to ask Kalel. But as you can already guess...I was too late. again. I am always too late. For everything. Late for school, any other event, boys, deadlines, everything. I think I get it from Mom.

Speaking of Mom...

For the past month, she has been talking almost non-stop about Prom. She is helping to plan our Post-Prom and she has been trying to find me a date for Prom. The problem with that is, the only guy she could think of besides Kalel was Chase. Chase is a freshman...and Kalel's nephew. Is it just me or is that just a little WEIRD! Now, I thought I could just find someone else and not have to worry about it. Until Chase's mom asked my mom if I would be interested in going to Prom with him. I was already kinda weirded out, but willing to accept it. Then, Mom mentioned a double Prom date thing with Kalel and his mystery girl. WEIRDER! I don't like it. At all.

Now, for about a week I have been avoiding the whole Prom subject with Mom and Chase. I am failing miserably.

Mom won't leave me alone about it. She doesn't understand why I won't ask Chase. I tell my mom nearly everything, but not anything about boys. She doesn't know that I like Kalel. She doesn't understand how awkward it would be for me to "double date" with him. For some reason, I just can not tell her. When she asks me what is going on, all I can do is smile and laugh. I guess it's a nervous, embarassed habit? I don't know...but it's weird.

Also, I kept seeing Chase and not knowing what to say. I could tell he wanted me to ask him, but I just couldn't. If I ask him now, I will feel stupid and he will wonder or ask why I didn't ask the last two times we talked. What do I say? Do I tell him that I like his uncle? Do I leave that out and hope he doesn't ask?

Maybe I am making too big of a deal about this. I should either tell Mom or Chase. Chase might understand. He could actually help me in a way. He could tell me who mystery girl is and maybe distract me from them at Prom. That might work. But how do I know if he will agree to and understand it? I guess I have to take a risk. I am not good at risks...

~lyss

Here We Go Again.

I tried. I really did. I promise.

For a while, it worked.

I was over him.

I swear I was.

No, really.

I was.

Until it all went in reverse.

Everything unraveled.

I feel like I did when this whole mess first started.

Happy when I see him,

Confused and heartbroken when I don't.

What do I do?

If I decide that I am done with him again,

Will this just happen once again?

Over and over.

Never ending.

When will it stop?

Will it ever?

Every time he has a girlfriend

Or likes someone else,

Won't it just unravel all over again?

I need to get over him,

But I don't remember how.

I don't want to be over him.

Good thing I'm not.

I guess.

Or else I wouldn't have this great feeling inside.

The one that always puts a smile on my face,

When I dream about how much I wish he was mine.

It would be a perfect fairytale.

But then I wake up.

Miserable.

Back to reality.

It's not true.

It may never be.

Why do dreams have to end?

False hope.

What is the point of all this?

I was done.

Remember?

I can't remember.

Done....done....done....

I'm done.

hmm.....

If only it was that simple.


~lyss