Too Many Q's, Not Enough A's.

Time really does fly doesn't it? One minute you are a scared little freshman getting ready to start high school, the next you are a scared senior getting ready to graduate. I still have a year before I graduate, but that doesn't make me any less scared. I have the same fears that every other senior has. Will I actually get to see my friends as much as I hope? Will I pick the right college to go to? I also have a whole different set of fears that most people don't even have to think about.

I haven't mentioned this yet, but I am handicapped. Not mentally though, my brain is perfectly normal (for the most part. haha.) I have what's called Arthrogryposis. Basically, it just means that some of my joints are deformed (in my hands and feet mainly) and the muscles in my arms and legs are very thin or not there at all. I usually feel fairly independent, but there are times when I feel completely helpless. I need help getting dressed, taking a bath, going to the bathroom, brushing my hair, brushing my teeth, putting on makeup...basically everything you do in the morning or at night. Do you have any idea how annoying that is? Not to mention embarrassing, kinda gross, and very, very uncomfortable.

Anyway, I've been thinking about this more and more lately. I am going to want to move out of here someday. But how? Who will do all of those embarrassing, gross and uncomfortable things for me? I can't just live here forever. I can't have my mom help me for the rest of her life. I love my parents and my house, but I don't want to just stay here. I want to move out, figure things out on my own, be free. I feel so trapped. I am trapped in my own little world and there is no way out, trapped in this house that I can't just take off from and drive somewhere, trapped inside this helpless body that I would gladly trade in for a new one. I don't even care what it looks like. Most people are so paranoid about their bodies not looking pretty enough when all I want is a pair of working arms and legs.

I wish I could go to some big, fancy art school somewhere, but how would I live in a dorm room? My mom can't just pack up and go with me. She has a husband, a family, pets, and a life here. I don't think I would really want her to go with me anyway. I love her, but there are just certain things I wish I could experience on my own.

I want to be able to travel to France, Italy, Austrailia, Japan, China, everywhere! I know that requires money, but that is not the point. I just want the ability to do something crazy like....move to a little apartment in California with a few friends for the summer and get a job at Disneyland. I mean, how AMAZING would that be???? But even if we did get enough money and courage to actually just go live in California for a summer someday, how would I do that? Would mom have to go too? Or would O help me? Would she be willing to do that? Would I want her to? Same goes with moving out. I would have to live with someone, a good friend like O or Bess. How uncomfortable would it be if they helped me with everything? What about when I get married someday? Who would help me then? My husband?? hmm.....THAT would be uncomfortable.

Told you I had a whole different set of fears than most people. I have so many questions and not one answer. You have no idea how much that scares me. I will eventually answer these questions. I'll figure it out someday and I'm sure everything will work out. Until then, I am left with all these questions and somehow, someday, I'm going to have to answer them.

~lyss