I tried. I really did. I promise.
For a while, it worked.
I was over him.
I swear I was.
No, really.
I was.
Until it all went in reverse.
Everything unraveled.
I feel like I did when this whole mess first started.
Happy when I see him,
Confused and heartbroken when I don't.
What do I do?
If I decide that I am done with him again,
Will this just happen once again?
Over and over.
Never ending.
When will it stop?
Will it ever?
Every time he has a girlfriend
Or likes someone else,
Won't it just unravel all over again?
I need to get over him,
But I don't remember how.
I don't want to be over him.
Good thing I'm not.
I guess.
Or else I wouldn't have this great feeling inside.
The one that always puts a smile on my face,
When I dream about how much I wish he was mine.
It would be a perfect fairytale.
But then I wake up.
Miserable.
Back to reality.
It's not true.
It may never be.
Why do dreams have to end?
False hope.
What is the point of all this?
I was done.
Remember?
I can't remember.
Done....done....done....
I'm done.
hmm.....
If only it was that simple.
~lyss
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Sunday, November 23, 2008
I'm Done
I'm done chickening out.
I'm done being non-confrontational when I need to be.
I'm done being jealous.
I'm done waiting.
I'm done caring why he likes her and not me.
I'm done letting people walk all over me.
I'm done being ignored.
I'm done. I'm done. I'M DONE!
It's time for a change -- a much needed change.
I don't care why he doesn't like me, anymore. Maybe he's just not worth it. Maybe this is God's way of saying, "Hey, he will cause too much drama. You don't need him. There is another guy out there for you." I've argued with Him about this a lot, but who am I to tell Him that He's wrong? Who cares if hypnogirl is JUST LIKE ME and for some reason he ONLY LIKES HER? Not me, not anymore. I am not going to let him take over my life. If I want to take Drama class next semester, even if that means not having a class with him anymore, then I will. It's not like having a class with him has helped the situation at all. If anything it's made it worse.
And if I have a suggestion for the Yearbook, they will listen. I will make them. Since when do I dread going to my favorite class? Since I started letting them walk all over me, that's when. It's getting on my nerves.
Speaking of getting on my nerves, Han is making me angry! O is my best friend and I hate it when she is upset, which has been happening more than it should lately. All I want to do is yell at him. I want to MAKE him listen.
I wonder what would happen if I just started yelling. Yelling at everyone. I don't yell. So, if I just started yelling at everyone and everything, would people listen? or would they just think I'm crazy? I wish I had the courage to yell, but I always just end up chickening out. ALL THE TIME!
Someday, that is going to stop. Someday, people will listen. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe next year. It will happen. Someday. Hopefully tomorrow.
~lyss
I'm done being non-confrontational when I need to be.
I'm done being jealous.
I'm done waiting.
I'm done caring why he likes her and not me.
I'm done letting people walk all over me.
I'm done being ignored.
I'm done. I'm done. I'M DONE!
It's time for a change -- a much needed change.
I don't care why he doesn't like me, anymore. Maybe he's just not worth it. Maybe this is God's way of saying, "Hey, he will cause too much drama. You don't need him. There is another guy out there for you." I've argued with Him about this a lot, but who am I to tell Him that He's wrong? Who cares if hypnogirl is JUST LIKE ME and for some reason he ONLY LIKES HER? Not me, not anymore. I am not going to let him take over my life. If I want to take Drama class next semester, even if that means not having a class with him anymore, then I will. It's not like having a class with him has helped the situation at all. If anything it's made it worse.
And if I have a suggestion for the Yearbook, they will listen. I will make them. Since when do I dread going to my favorite class? Since I started letting them walk all over me, that's when. It's getting on my nerves.
Speaking of getting on my nerves, Han is making me angry! O is my best friend and I hate it when she is upset, which has been happening more than it should lately. All I want to do is yell at him. I want to MAKE him listen.
I wonder what would happen if I just started yelling. Yelling at everyone. I don't yell. So, if I just started yelling at everyone and everything, would people listen? or would they just think I'm crazy? I wish I had the courage to yell, but I always just end up chickening out. ALL THE TIME!
Someday, that is going to stop. Someday, people will listen. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe next year. It will happen. Someday. Hopefully tomorrow.
~lyss
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I'm Not That Girl.....But That Girl Next To Me Is.
I know I whine about this alot. I end up writing the same things, being angry at the same two people, and talking about how she constantly hypnotizes him, but am I wasting my time? It's been almost a year since he said that he just wanted to stay friends. Why can't I just get over it?
Here are the possible reasons I have came up with:
1) He's just so cute! Why must he be so freaking adorable all the freaking time!! I mean, can't he just do something to make me angry for once? Can't he just call me a bad name, start cussing, stop respecting girls, or just start being mean? No. No he can't. Instead, he accidentally gives me hat head (then gave me a slight hug later), threatens to glue paper to my face, tells me how freaking awesome my art work was and begged me to let him have it, and mumbles about who knows what all time which always makes me smile or laugh. Yeah. That's real helpful Kalel, thank you for that.
2) She is everywhere. Everywhere I turn, she's there. A lot of those times, he's with her. Everyday right after lunch, he comes up and talks to me and o. What a coincidence that her locker just happens to be right by my classroom door that we have to sit in front of waiting for the teacher. He only talks to us until she comes to her locker, then he completely ignores my existence. I also have two classes that I have to put up with her in. I was doing pretty good at ignoring her (except for the same-shirt-want-to-burn-hers incident, of course), until today. Today, my French teacher decided to put the one girl I absolutely did not want to sit by...right beside me. She will be there for the next 9 weeks. Joy. Now I have to be friendly. Now I have to actually talk to her, IN FRENCH.
and 3) Could it be love? Who knows, right? He's not going to snap out of it anytime soon. I just know it. I desperately want to get over him, but I......I just can't.
In the words of Elfie, "He could be that boy....but I'm not that girl."
~lyss
Here are the possible reasons I have came up with:
1) He's just so cute! Why must he be so freaking adorable all the freaking time!! I mean, can't he just do something to make me angry for once? Can't he just call me a bad name, start cussing, stop respecting girls, or just start being mean? No. No he can't. Instead, he accidentally gives me hat head (then gave me a slight hug later), threatens to glue paper to my face, tells me how freaking awesome my art work was and begged me to let him have it, and mumbles about who knows what all time which always makes me smile or laugh. Yeah. That's real helpful Kalel, thank you for that.
2) She is everywhere. Everywhere I turn, she's there. A lot of those times, he's with her. Everyday right after lunch, he comes up and talks to me and o. What a coincidence that her locker just happens to be right by my classroom door that we have to sit in front of waiting for the teacher. He only talks to us until she comes to her locker, then he completely ignores my existence. I also have two classes that I have to put up with her in. I was doing pretty good at ignoring her (except for the same-shirt-want-to-burn-hers incident, of course), until today. Today, my French teacher decided to put the one girl I absolutely did not want to sit by...right beside me. She will be there for the next 9 weeks. Joy. Now I have to be friendly. Now I have to actually talk to her, IN FRENCH.
and 3) Could it be love? Who knows, right? He's not going to snap out of it anytime soon. I just know it. I desperately want to get over him, but I......I just can't.
In the words of Elfie, "He could be that boy....but I'm not that girl."
~lyss
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
An Almost Very Merry Birthday To Me
Today is my 18th birthday. Being an adult makes me feel extremely excited, yet somewhat terrified at the same time. However, I won't get into a discussion about the pros and cons of being an adult right now.
Overall, my birthday was pretty close to perfect. All the people that I wanted to come to my party, came. All the people I didn't really want there but invited anyway so I wouldn't feel guilty, were too busy to come. Everything worked out as planned and I had all of my favorite people in the world around me all weekend. Bess spent the night on Friday and all day Saturday. Me, Bess, O, Han, Mom and Dad all went on the boat for a few hours on Saturday and then we (and Kalel joined us later) came back to my house where we watched Tommy Boy on our garage door with a borrowed projector. We had sooo much fun. Then, O spent the night and we stayed up until at least 4. The next day, my family all came over and we ate dumplings (my favorite!!) and Oreo cake (my new favorite kind of cake!). I got some cool guitar shirts, movies, a shelf for all of my many movies, a comfy chair, a eiffel tower photo album, a book, a light up cube thing..(i have no idea what it is called), a bag, magnets, a thing with japanese writing on it, some watercolor pencils, a drawing from O (finally! ^^), and over a hundred dollars towards my New York trip on Spring Break.
I had the perfect birthday.......almost.
The one thing that would have made it better would have been if Kalel had snapped out of his hypnotic state and realized that he actually liked me. That would have been nice....but of course, it didn't happen. I didn't think it would. It would have been amazing though if it did. One of the best birthday presents ever. Basically, Kalel is stuck in some far away fantasy land where he thinks he can get hypnogirl to like him. In reality, however, she just wants to be his friend. She actually even likes someone else. But he can't see that. He just can't seem to look away from her hypnotic eyes. Sometimes, I wish I could just smack him and he would snap out of it. I know that it wouldn't work though. This whole situation is making me angry. Not so much at hypnogirl anymore, but at Kalel. He is very frustrating......yet I can't seem to look away from his hypnotic eyes.
~lyss
Overall, my birthday was pretty close to perfect. All the people that I wanted to come to my party, came. All the people I didn't really want there but invited anyway so I wouldn't feel guilty, were too busy to come. Everything worked out as planned and I had all of my favorite people in the world around me all weekend. Bess spent the night on Friday and all day Saturday. Me, Bess, O, Han, Mom and Dad all went on the boat for a few hours on Saturday and then we (and Kalel joined us later) came back to my house where we watched Tommy Boy on our garage door with a borrowed projector. We had sooo much fun. Then, O spent the night and we stayed up until at least 4. The next day, my family all came over and we ate dumplings (my favorite!!) and Oreo cake (my new favorite kind of cake!). I got some cool guitar shirts, movies, a shelf for all of my many movies, a comfy chair, a eiffel tower photo album, a book, a light up cube thing..(i have no idea what it is called), a bag, magnets, a thing with japanese writing on it, some watercolor pencils, a drawing from O (finally! ^^), and over a hundred dollars towards my New York trip on Spring Break.
I had the perfect birthday.......almost.
The one thing that would have made it better would have been if Kalel had snapped out of his hypnotic state and realized that he actually liked me. That would have been nice....but of course, it didn't happen. I didn't think it would. It would have been amazing though if it did. One of the best birthday presents ever. Basically, Kalel is stuck in some far away fantasy land where he thinks he can get hypnogirl to like him. In reality, however, she just wants to be his friend. She actually even likes someone else. But he can't see that. He just can't seem to look away from her hypnotic eyes. Sometimes, I wish I could just smack him and he would snap out of it. I know that it wouldn't work though. This whole situation is making me angry. Not so much at hypnogirl anymore, but at Kalel. He is very frustrating......yet I can't seem to look away from his hypnotic eyes.
~lyss
Monday, August 18, 2008
A Clueless Boy, A Confusing "Friend", and A Crappy Sister
I have had three completely different things on my mind since Friday. I've been wanting and meaning to blog, but I didn't know which to blog about first. I usually talk about only one subject at a time. This time, though, I am going to be different.
The Clueless: (and yes. It is Kalel....again.)
I know I talk about him a lot, but it's not my fault. I'm going to see him...and Hypnogirl....everyday now. Seeing him this much should be a good thing, right? Most of the time it is and will be, but sometimes he makes me so angry! He doesn't even do anything wrong. He doesn't say anything to hurt me. He is just so CLUELESS!!! I could be right there next to him, totally staring right at him and he wouldn't even notice. He is defineately being hypnotised by you know who. I just know it. Why else would he add another class that she just so happened to be in? I mean, I know he likes art and he may like making pottery, I don't know. But is it just a coincidence that little miss amazing was in that class before he joined? Is it just a coincidence that he joined a class she was in, after her and her boyfriend broke up? I know what he is trying to do. He is trying to hypnotise her. When will he see that the girl who sits next to him doesn't need to be hypnotised. That was already done a long time ago and he wasn't even trying.
The Confusing:
I have only talked to Winnie once in the past 2 months. I have only seen her three times in the past 3-4 months (All three times I saw her, were for only about 2 seconds each. No words were said.) I'm losing her. I can't decide if that is good or bad. Maybe it is best if we just go our separate ways. It would sure save me a ton of headaches. On the other hand, if she ever does something really stupid or something happens to her, I will probably blame myself for not being there for her when I had once promised her I would be.
The Crappy:
Very few people even know I have a sister. I also have a brother, but most people are aware of that. You see, my dad was married before he met my mom. So, before me, he had Jess and Nelle. When I was little, they came over ever other weekend. I was actually kind of close-ish to my sister, until she moved in with a friend. Then she started making promises she couldn't keep, made lame excuses, and stopped coming around. She once promised she would come to my birthday party. I was so excited because I hadn't seen her in a while. People started coming, we ate cake, I opened presents, and then the phone rang. She said she couldn't make it because she "didn't feel good". Well guess what? After that phone call, I didn't feel very good either. I knew she was lying. I knew she just didn't want to go to some little girl's lame birthday party. She would much rather hang out with her friends than her own little sister. That fact has never changed. She doesn't know anything about me, nor does she try to get to know me. The only time I ever see her is on Christmas (sometimes) and very, very special occasions, like our niece being born and our brother's wedding. She says she doesn't have time to come visit, yet she can come see Landri at least once a month. She doesn't bother coming to see her dad or her sister. On the bright side though, I did get a very good brother. Jess actually has time for me and Dad. He knows me a lot better than Nelle ever did. He even kicked an enemy/bully of mine out of his wedding reception after party thing. Oh yea, and I now have a NEW sister that is way cooler than my real one. She even knows me better. Also they gave me the most adorable little niece ever! ^^
~lyss
The Clueless: (and yes. It is Kalel....again.)
I know I talk about him a lot, but it's not my fault. I'm going to see him...and Hypnogirl....everyday now. Seeing him this much should be a good thing, right? Most of the time it is and will be, but sometimes he makes me so angry! He doesn't even do anything wrong. He doesn't say anything to hurt me. He is just so CLUELESS!!! I could be right there next to him, totally staring right at him and he wouldn't even notice. He is defineately being hypnotised by you know who. I just know it. Why else would he add another class that she just so happened to be in? I mean, I know he likes art and he may like making pottery, I don't know. But is it just a coincidence that little miss amazing was in that class before he joined? Is it just a coincidence that he joined a class she was in, after her and her boyfriend broke up? I know what he is trying to do. He is trying to hypnotise her. When will he see that the girl who sits next to him doesn't need to be hypnotised. That was already done a long time ago and he wasn't even trying.
The Confusing:
I have only talked to Winnie once in the past 2 months. I have only seen her three times in the past 3-4 months (All three times I saw her, were for only about 2 seconds each. No words were said.) I'm losing her. I can't decide if that is good or bad. Maybe it is best if we just go our separate ways. It would sure save me a ton of headaches. On the other hand, if she ever does something really stupid or something happens to her, I will probably blame myself for not being there for her when I had once promised her I would be.
The Crappy:
Very few people even know I have a sister. I also have a brother, but most people are aware of that. You see, my dad was married before he met my mom. So, before me, he had Jess and Nelle. When I was little, they came over ever other weekend. I was actually kind of close-ish to my sister, until she moved in with a friend. Then she started making promises she couldn't keep, made lame excuses, and stopped coming around. She once promised she would come to my birthday party. I was so excited because I hadn't seen her in a while. People started coming, we ate cake, I opened presents, and then the phone rang. She said she couldn't make it because she "didn't feel good". Well guess what? After that phone call, I didn't feel very good either. I knew she was lying. I knew she just didn't want to go to some little girl's lame birthday party. She would much rather hang out with her friends than her own little sister. That fact has never changed. She doesn't know anything about me, nor does she try to get to know me. The only time I ever see her is on Christmas (sometimes) and very, very special occasions, like our niece being born and our brother's wedding. She says she doesn't have time to come visit, yet she can come see Landri at least once a month. She doesn't bother coming to see her dad or her sister. On the bright side though, I did get a very good brother. Jess actually has time for me and Dad. He knows me a lot better than Nelle ever did. He even kicked an enemy/bully of mine out of his wedding reception after party thing. Oh yea, and I now have a NEW sister that is way cooler than my real one. She even knows me better. Also they gave me the most adorable little niece ever! ^^
~lyss
Thursday, August 14, 2008
She Has Become A Convienent Scapegoat
Everyone has had a scapegoat at least once. We use them to avoid our real problems. We take our anger out on them when we are actually angry at someone completely different. I have one of those convienent scapegoats right now. I call her Hypnogirl. I think she has some kind of weird hypnotic power to make everyone think she's little miss perfect and the best artist in the 11th grade. I'm not saying that I am jealous of her, because I'm not. I am just curious about a few things. Why does she have so many guys that like her? What does she have, that I don't? What does Kalel see in her, that's not in me?
I don't actually even know that he still likes her. He might still be completely in love with her or he might have gotten over her in the past year, when she got a boyfriend. I found out that he liked her when he confessed it in an email a year ago. That's actually when I realized how much I really liked him. I didn't really mind Hypnogirl until that email. I started thinking about how much I didn't really like her, except I didn't really know why. Then I realized it was because Kalel liked her. I already liked him before that, but that was really when I started falling. hard. very hard.
Now I have a class with Kalel, so maybe...just maybe...he will stop being such a silly slowpoke and snap out of it. Maybe I can get him out of his hypnotic state, if he is still in it. On the other hand, I have not one, but two classes with Hypnogirl. All I have to say is, I better not have to partner up with her for something. It won't be happy. It's not that I hate her, she is just frustrating me. In reality, I am probably actually mad at Kalel for just wanting to stay my "friend". I guess I am just going to have to stay just his "friend" for now and see where having him in my art class goes. And then someday, I will take another risk and approach him about it. This time...it will be in person instead of on a piece of paper.
~lyss
I don't actually even know that he still likes her. He might still be completely in love with her or he might have gotten over her in the past year, when she got a boyfriend. I found out that he liked her when he confessed it in an email a year ago. That's actually when I realized how much I really liked him. I didn't really mind Hypnogirl until that email. I started thinking about how much I didn't really like her, except I didn't really know why. Then I realized it was because Kalel liked her. I already liked him before that, but that was really when I started falling. hard. very hard.
Now I have a class with Kalel, so maybe...just maybe...he will stop being such a silly slowpoke and snap out of it. Maybe I can get him out of his hypnotic state, if he is still in it. On the other hand, I have not one, but two classes with Hypnogirl. All I have to say is, I better not have to partner up with her for something. It won't be happy. It's not that I hate her, she is just frustrating me. In reality, I am probably actually mad at Kalel for just wanting to stay my "friend". I guess I am just going to have to stay just his "friend" for now and see where having him in my art class goes. And then someday, I will take another risk and approach him about it. This time...it will be in person instead of on a piece of paper.
~lyss
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