I don't like easy.

Chances of becoming a Disney animator are very slim.

I will have to leave all of my friends and family behind.

Making Disney animated films may not be all it's cracked up to be.

I may be disappointed.

I may not even be any good at animation.

I will have to go to a different school for another 2-3 years.

It will cost a lot of money.

I will miss my family if i live in California.

I'll miss my friends.

I'll miss my animals.

I'll miss my house.

I'll miss my life here.

I'll miss my mom.


Is making my dreams come true worth all of this?

Yes.


Some dreams may not turn out the way we want them to. Some dreams may be disappointing. SOME, not all. There is a difference.

What if this one dream turns out exactly the way I want it to? Sure, I could go through life and not take chances or chase my dreams. I would probably live a good life with all the people that I love and be perfectly happy. I could give up right now, but I would always regret it. I could get up to go to work everyday and, whether I actually liked my job or not, always be thinking in the back of my mind, 'I could be working for Walt Disney Animation Studios RIGHT NOW, if only I hadn't given up on my dreams so easily.' I don't want to have that thought in the back of my mind for the rest of my life.

It's easy to give up. It takes little to no effort. I don't like easy. Learning to write wasn't easy. Some people didn't think I could do it, or that it wouldn't be worth it. I learned to write as well as how to draw. Getting the strength to type fast wasn't easy. Now I type faster than some of my friends. Maintaining this positive attitude and keeping a smile on my face isn't always as easy as it seems. I do it anyway.
I don't like easy.

Still Not Enough A's, But That's About To Change.

Well it's been over 2 years since my "Too Many Q's, Not Enough A's" post, and I still have way more Q's than A's. However, I now have a very important individual on my side, whom I will call Mary. She is, by far, the BEST teacher I have ever had and ever will have. She's going to try her hardest to help me make more things go MY way for a change. For way too long now, things generally go my mom's way.

Every important decision in my life so far has basically went as follows:

"I want to do this with my life."
(*this* being the college i want to go to, the fact that I REALLY want to find out if i could drive, or wanting to be in the Disney College Program, so that I can take the first step to working for Disney as an animator or a graphic designer, SO FREAKIN' BAD IT HURTS!)

"Well, I don't really think you need all of that. You can do just fine with a degree from Ivy Tech Community College and get an ok job and live an ok life right here, where I can drive you around and take care of you for the rest of your life."

"umm.....yeah..."

My mom means well. She is an amazing parent and friend. I don't know what I would ever do without her. She usually knows what's best for me, but I think she's wrong on this one. I don't regret going to Ivy Tech. If I hadn't, I never would have met these amazing people and that would have been a shame. However, this can't be all that I am meant to do. I didn't work my butt off through elementary, jr high, and high school to 'just' go to a community college and live a mediocre life.

I've got big dreams. Dreams of working in the Disney Design Group, Walt Disney Animation Studios, Pixar Animation Studios, or designing movie posters, covers, and advertisements. The chances of succeeding and achieving any of these dreams are slim, I know.

But somebody's got to make it out there, why can't it be me?

Changes

When I was a teenager, I did some crazy stuff. I remember one time at this party that I...ummm....I..uuh...

Ok so I wasn't a party go-er. But I'm sure I lied and snuck out of my house to .....umm...ok that wasn't me either.

What did I do when I was a teenager? Oh yeah, I remember...

a whole lot of NOTHING.

I just sat back and watched everyone else be crazy and spontaneous, while I did everything my parents wanted (for the most part anyway). All of the big and most of the smaller decisions I have made in my life, were always made with my parents' involvement. My mom even got to pick what college I went to.

I have to do something crazy/spontaneous before it's too late. I only have a few weeks of my teen years left. That is why I must do something so crazy...so rebellious..that it will make up for lost time. So here it is, ready?

I

Am

Going

to

.....

..........

Change my hair without parental approval or knowledge.

dun dun dun

.....

wow. crazy, right?


Yeah, well it's bigger than it sounds. My hair will not be the only change, it will only be the start.

My whole life, I've felt like I have been living inside a small shell. My parents (mainly mom) are too afraid to let me out of it. Sometimes, I'm too afraid to let me out of it. It's time for a change. It's time for me to make some decisions on my own. It time for me to do some things that I have always wanted to do, but never had the courage to.

Right now, my life is neither good nor bad. It's just there...passing me by way too fast. I've just been sitting back and waiting for something to happen...but what? What have I been waiting for all this time? Whatever it is, it hasn't happened. I don't think it's going to either, not if I just stay in this room, this shell, this safe place where nothing bad will happen, because nothing is happening at all. And nothing will happen, if I don't MAKE it happen.

"We must become the change we want to see."

Mahatma Ghandhi

I Thought Imaginations Were Supposed to be a Good Thing?

Yes, I know. So it's been a while. I have to get this out though or else I'll end up being one of those crazy old ladies with 20 cats and talks to herself. Oh wait, that's actually pretty accurate except for the part about being old. 19 isn't old. Holy crap, I'm almost twenty. umm....yeah, not the topic I was going for.

Moving on....

So let me begin this by explaining how I started thinking about how crazy I might be. Well, maybe not CrAzY..just a little...romantically challenged.

Tonight, I watched a movie called Everything You Want. It's about a girl who has had an imaginary boyfriend since she was five. She is now in college, still pretend dating the same guy, when she meets another REAL guy who she kind of likes but tells him she has a boyfriend.

During a majority of this movie, I couldn't believe that she had went that long just imagining having this perfect boyfriend. I mean, they talked about everything, went to movies, made snow angels, and she would paint and draw him constantly.


And then I thought about it. I'm kind of like her....

I didn't dream up an imaginary boyfriend, but I do sometimes imagine dating guys that I know or have just met. I'm not just talking about fantasizing or dreaming or thinking about it. It's more like...I act it out. Not in public though, just when I'm alone. I take the people that I know and come up with some sort of situation or "scene" and actually sorta act it out. Sometimes I imagine doing things that I can't do, like dancing or playing the guitar.

A lot of these situations or scenes, though, involve a boyfriend. I think it's because I don't really know what it feels like to have a REAL boyfriend. So when I like someone, or -think- I like someone, I act like they are mine. Sometimes, I think I imagine things so much that I desperately want it to be real even if it can't or shouldn't happen.

This is what I think happened with Kalel. You've seen those fairytale-like romantic comedies where the guy and girl have known each other their whole lives and in the end fall in love. I always wanted that to happen to me. Kalel was the closest thing I would ever have to that. I just -thought- that we belonged together and that it would happen someday. So I imagined it. I acted it out. I did it so much, I started to really believe it.

I don't really like him that way. I never did. I just fell in love with an imaginary boyfriend.