Once the Friendgirl, Always the Friendgirl..

I did it. I asked Chase to the prom. However, I didn't tell him why it took me so long to ask. He still has no idea that I actually like Kalel. By "actually" I mean, he has always had a feeling. I have known Kalel and his whole family practically my whole life. Chase would always tease me about liking Kalel and about Kalel liking me. My reaction was always something like, "NO I DON'T!! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? HE IS JUST MY FRIEND!!!!" as I chased him around the room threatening to run him over. But really, in my head it was more like, "YES I KNOW DON'T RUB IT IN!! HE'S RIGHT THERE SHUT UP! i hope kalel didn't see through that little display...." Kalel's reaction was usually just that he ignored it. He would just sit or lay there looking as if he couldn't care less what his nephew was blurting out to me. At least that is what I thought his reaction was like. Now that I think about it, however, maybe while he was looking like he didn't care, he was really thinking Why does she always do this? Would it be that horrible to like me?

If only I would have thought about that back then...Not that he really thought that, but if he did...I feel like a complete idiot. I really have liked him all this time. I was just..in denial I guess. I didn't think he liked me back and I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I was scared. So, I kept my mouth shut and denied everything anyone said about me liking him. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if once, just once, I decided not to go crazy and threaten to run people over. Unfortunately, I can't change the past. I'm too late. I'm always too late.

or maybe not...maybe I am not too late because he never liked me like that to begin with. Maybe it was just me. It's always just me. I am always just the friendgirl...

Oh I have lots of great qualities though! I am "one of the best girls he'd ever have the chance to date" because I am "reliable and honest and actually care," as he told my friend o. However, he doesn't like me like that, he just wishes he would. Talk about driving a person INSANE! So basically, he knows that I am awesome and wishes that he liked me like that, but he doesn't. That is CRAP and very depressing....

Why does this ALWAYS happen to me??!! Please explain! I understand that this happens to everyone, but this is becoming a ritual! I have liked about 5 different guys in the past 7 years and they ALL just wanted to stay friends. What is it about me that screams "DON'T DATE ME! I WILL BE TOTALLY COOL WITH JUST BEING FRIENDS FOREVER!", huh? I really don't get it. What do all of these other girls have that I don't?? What do I have to do to get him to think of me as something more? Why should I have to GET someone to like me, anyway?

I know, I know...I am a great person the way I am, right? These guys are stupid for not wanting me as anything more than a friend. I will find someone, someday who will realize how amazing I am. I get it. I just have to wait. and wait....and wait..........

I am getting impatient. You have no idea. I don't want to have to wait anymore...

~lyss

Is This A Big Deal, Or Am I Just Making It One?

My drama never seems like a big deal to the rest of the world. I am honestly not used to having MY OWN drama. It is always someone else's. So, when I do have drama/stress of my own, it is a big deal to ME but not to OTHERS.

Anyway, on to my not-a-very-big-deal-to-everyone-else drama.

First of all, let me recap and explain my last blog. I thought that I had finally gotten over Kalel. I told myself that I was done, and then...I just was. It was stange, but I was proud of myself. I finally did it. I got over him!

or not...

Suddenly, he was found holding some other girl's hand and it made me feel very...not over him. Great...That is just what I needed...Also, he is being very secretive about her. Are they just friends? or more? Who the heck is she? What is her name? All I know about her is what school she goes to, she has red steaks in her hair and he is going to prom with her.

Now, Prom is my other part of the drama/major stress.

You see, I am not the Prom type to begin with. I have never been before, but it is my senior year and I am told that I have to. I am ok with that now. Originally, however, I was going to ask Kalel. But as you can already guess...I was too late. again. I am always too late. For everything. Late for school, any other event, boys, deadlines, everything. I think I get it from Mom.

Speaking of Mom...

For the past month, she has been talking almost non-stop about Prom. She is helping to plan our Post-Prom and she has been trying to find me a date for Prom. The problem with that is, the only guy she could think of besides Kalel was Chase. Chase is a freshman...and Kalel's nephew. Is it just me or is that just a little WEIRD! Now, I thought I could just find someone else and not have to worry about it. Until Chase's mom asked my mom if I would be interested in going to Prom with him. I was already kinda weirded out, but willing to accept it. Then, Mom mentioned a double Prom date thing with Kalel and his mystery girl. WEIRDER! I don't like it. At all.

Now, for about a week I have been avoiding the whole Prom subject with Mom and Chase. I am failing miserably.

Mom won't leave me alone about it. She doesn't understand why I won't ask Chase. I tell my mom nearly everything, but not anything about boys. She doesn't know that I like Kalel. She doesn't understand how awkward it would be for me to "double date" with him. For some reason, I just can not tell her. When she asks me what is going on, all I can do is smile and laugh. I guess it's a nervous, embarassed habit? I don't know...but it's weird.

Also, I kept seeing Chase and not knowing what to say. I could tell he wanted me to ask him, but I just couldn't. If I ask him now, I will feel stupid and he will wonder or ask why I didn't ask the last two times we talked. What do I say? Do I tell him that I like his uncle? Do I leave that out and hope he doesn't ask?

Maybe I am making too big of a deal about this. I should either tell Mom or Chase. Chase might understand. He could actually help me in a way. He could tell me who mystery girl is and maybe distract me from them at Prom. That might work. But how do I know if he will agree to and understand it? I guess I have to take a risk. I am not good at risks...

~lyss

Here We Go Again.

I tried. I really did. I promise.

For a while, it worked.

I was over him.

I swear I was.

No, really.

I was.

Until it all went in reverse.

Everything unraveled.

I feel like I did when this whole mess first started.

Happy when I see him,

Confused and heartbroken when I don't.

What do I do?

If I decide that I am done with him again,

Will this just happen once again?

Over and over.

Never ending.

When will it stop?

Will it ever?

Every time he has a girlfriend

Or likes someone else,

Won't it just unravel all over again?

I need to get over him,

But I don't remember how.

I don't want to be over him.

Good thing I'm not.

I guess.

Or else I wouldn't have this great feeling inside.

The one that always puts a smile on my face,

When I dream about how much I wish he was mine.

It would be a perfect fairytale.

But then I wake up.

Miserable.

Back to reality.

It's not true.

It may never be.

Why do dreams have to end?

False hope.

What is the point of all this?

I was done.

Remember?

I can't remember.

Done....done....done....

I'm done.

hmm.....

If only it was that simple.


~lyss