I Thought Imaginations Were Supposed to be a Good Thing?

Yes, I know. So it's been a while. I have to get this out though or else I'll end up being one of those crazy old ladies with 20 cats and talks to herself. Oh wait, that's actually pretty accurate except for the part about being old. 19 isn't old. Holy crap, I'm almost twenty. umm....yeah, not the topic I was going for.

Moving on....

So let me begin this by explaining how I started thinking about how crazy I might be. Well, maybe not CrAzY..just a little...romantically challenged.

Tonight, I watched a movie called Everything You Want. It's about a girl who has had an imaginary boyfriend since she was five. She is now in college, still pretend dating the same guy, when she meets another REAL guy who she kind of likes but tells him she has a boyfriend.

During a majority of this movie, I couldn't believe that she had went that long just imagining having this perfect boyfriend. I mean, they talked about everything, went to movies, made snow angels, and she would paint and draw him constantly.


And then I thought about it. I'm kind of like her....

I didn't dream up an imaginary boyfriend, but I do sometimes imagine dating guys that I know or have just met. I'm not just talking about fantasizing or dreaming or thinking about it. It's more like...I act it out. Not in public though, just when I'm alone. I take the people that I know and come up with some sort of situation or "scene" and actually sorta act it out. Sometimes I imagine doing things that I can't do, like dancing or playing the guitar.

A lot of these situations or scenes, though, involve a boyfriend. I think it's because I don't really know what it feels like to have a REAL boyfriend. So when I like someone, or -think- I like someone, I act like they are mine. Sometimes, I think I imagine things so much that I desperately want it to be real even if it can't or shouldn't happen.

This is what I think happened with Kalel. You've seen those fairytale-like romantic comedies where the guy and girl have known each other their whole lives and in the end fall in love. I always wanted that to happen to me. Kalel was the closest thing I would ever have to that. I just -thought- that we belonged together and that it would happen someday. So I imagined it. I acted it out. I did it so much, I started to really believe it.

I don't really like him that way. I never did. I just fell in love with an imaginary boyfriend.

Once the Friendgirl, Always the Friendgirl..

I did it. I asked Chase to the prom. However, I didn't tell him why it took me so long to ask. He still has no idea that I actually like Kalel. By "actually" I mean, he has always had a feeling. I have known Kalel and his whole family practically my whole life. Chase would always tease me about liking Kalel and about Kalel liking me. My reaction was always something like, "NO I DON'T!! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? HE IS JUST MY FRIEND!!!!" as I chased him around the room threatening to run him over. But really, in my head it was more like, "YES I KNOW DON'T RUB IT IN!! HE'S RIGHT THERE SHUT UP! i hope kalel didn't see through that little display...." Kalel's reaction was usually just that he ignored it. He would just sit or lay there looking as if he couldn't care less what his nephew was blurting out to me. At least that is what I thought his reaction was like. Now that I think about it, however, maybe while he was looking like he didn't care, he was really thinking Why does she always do this? Would it be that horrible to like me?

If only I would have thought about that back then...Not that he really thought that, but if he did...I feel like a complete idiot. I really have liked him all this time. I was just..in denial I guess. I didn't think he liked me back and I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I was scared. So, I kept my mouth shut and denied everything anyone said about me liking him. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if once, just once, I decided not to go crazy and threaten to run people over. Unfortunately, I can't change the past. I'm too late. I'm always too late.

or maybe not...maybe I am not too late because he never liked me like that to begin with. Maybe it was just me. It's always just me. I am always just the friendgirl...

Oh I have lots of great qualities though! I am "one of the best girls he'd ever have the chance to date" because I am "reliable and honest and actually care," as he told my friend o. However, he doesn't like me like that, he just wishes he would. Talk about driving a person INSANE! So basically, he knows that I am awesome and wishes that he liked me like that, but he doesn't. That is CRAP and very depressing....

Why does this ALWAYS happen to me??!! Please explain! I understand that this happens to everyone, but this is becoming a ritual! I have liked about 5 different guys in the past 7 years and they ALL just wanted to stay friends. What is it about me that screams "DON'T DATE ME! I WILL BE TOTALLY COOL WITH JUST BEING FRIENDS FOREVER!", huh? I really don't get it. What do all of these other girls have that I don't?? What do I have to do to get him to think of me as something more? Why should I have to GET someone to like me, anyway?

I know, I know...I am a great person the way I am, right? These guys are stupid for not wanting me as anything more than a friend. I will find someone, someday who will realize how amazing I am. I get it. I just have to wait. and wait....and wait..........

I am getting impatient. You have no idea. I don't want to have to wait anymore...

~lyss

Is This A Big Deal, Or Am I Just Making It One?

My drama never seems like a big deal to the rest of the world. I am honestly not used to having MY OWN drama. It is always someone else's. So, when I do have drama/stress of my own, it is a big deal to ME but not to OTHERS.

Anyway, on to my not-a-very-big-deal-to-everyone-else drama.

First of all, let me recap and explain my last blog. I thought that I had finally gotten over Kalel. I told myself that I was done, and then...I just was. It was stange, but I was proud of myself. I finally did it. I got over him!

or not...

Suddenly, he was found holding some other girl's hand and it made me feel very...not over him. Great...That is just what I needed...Also, he is being very secretive about her. Are they just friends? or more? Who the heck is she? What is her name? All I know about her is what school she goes to, she has red steaks in her hair and he is going to prom with her.

Now, Prom is my other part of the drama/major stress.

You see, I am not the Prom type to begin with. I have never been before, but it is my senior year and I am told that I have to. I am ok with that now. Originally, however, I was going to ask Kalel. But as you can already guess...I was too late. again. I am always too late. For everything. Late for school, any other event, boys, deadlines, everything. I think I get it from Mom.

Speaking of Mom...

For the past month, she has been talking almost non-stop about Prom. She is helping to plan our Post-Prom and she has been trying to find me a date for Prom. The problem with that is, the only guy she could think of besides Kalel was Chase. Chase is a freshman...and Kalel's nephew. Is it just me or is that just a little WEIRD! Now, I thought I could just find someone else and not have to worry about it. Until Chase's mom asked my mom if I would be interested in going to Prom with him. I was already kinda weirded out, but willing to accept it. Then, Mom mentioned a double Prom date thing with Kalel and his mystery girl. WEIRDER! I don't like it. At all.

Now, for about a week I have been avoiding the whole Prom subject with Mom and Chase. I am failing miserably.

Mom won't leave me alone about it. She doesn't understand why I won't ask Chase. I tell my mom nearly everything, but not anything about boys. She doesn't know that I like Kalel. She doesn't understand how awkward it would be for me to "double date" with him. For some reason, I just can not tell her. When she asks me what is going on, all I can do is smile and laugh. I guess it's a nervous, embarassed habit? I don't know...but it's weird.

Also, I kept seeing Chase and not knowing what to say. I could tell he wanted me to ask him, but I just couldn't. If I ask him now, I will feel stupid and he will wonder or ask why I didn't ask the last two times we talked. What do I say? Do I tell him that I like his uncle? Do I leave that out and hope he doesn't ask?

Maybe I am making too big of a deal about this. I should either tell Mom or Chase. Chase might understand. He could actually help me in a way. He could tell me who mystery girl is and maybe distract me from them at Prom. That might work. But how do I know if he will agree to and understand it? I guess I have to take a risk. I am not good at risks...

~lyss

Here We Go Again.

I tried. I really did. I promise.

For a while, it worked.

I was over him.

I swear I was.

No, really.

I was.

Until it all went in reverse.

Everything unraveled.

I feel like I did when this whole mess first started.

Happy when I see him,

Confused and heartbroken when I don't.

What do I do?

If I decide that I am done with him again,

Will this just happen once again?

Over and over.

Never ending.

When will it stop?

Will it ever?

Every time he has a girlfriend

Or likes someone else,

Won't it just unravel all over again?

I need to get over him,

But I don't remember how.

I don't want to be over him.

Good thing I'm not.

I guess.

Or else I wouldn't have this great feeling inside.

The one that always puts a smile on my face,

When I dream about how much I wish he was mine.

It would be a perfect fairytale.

But then I wake up.

Miserable.

Back to reality.

It's not true.

It may never be.

Why do dreams have to end?

False hope.

What is the point of all this?

I was done.

Remember?

I can't remember.

Done....done....done....

I'm done.

hmm.....

If only it was that simple.


~lyss

I'm Done

I'm done chickening out.
I'm done being non-confrontational when I need to be.
I'm done being jealous.
I'm done waiting.
I'm done caring why he likes her and not me.
I'm done letting people walk all over me.
I'm done being ignored.
I'm done. I'm done. I'M DONE!


It's time for a change -- a much needed change.


I don't care why he doesn't like me, anymore. Maybe he's just not worth it. Maybe this is God's way of saying, "Hey, he will cause too much drama. You don't need him. There is another guy out there for you." I've argued with Him about this a lot, but who am I to tell Him that He's wrong? Who cares if hypnogirl is JUST LIKE ME and for some reason he ONLY LIKES HER? Not me, not anymore. I am not going to let him take over my life. If I want to take Drama class next semester, even if that means not having a class with him anymore, then I will. It's not like having a class with him has helped the situation at all. If anything it's made it worse.

And if I have a suggestion for the Yearbook, they will listen. I will make them. Since when do I dread going to my favorite class? Since I started letting them walk all over me, that's when. It's getting on my nerves.

Speaking of getting on my nerves, Han is making me angry! O is my best friend and I hate it when she is upset, which has been happening more than it should lately. All I want to do is yell at him. I want to MAKE him listen.

I wonder what would happen if I just started yelling. Yelling at everyone. I don't yell. So, if I just started yelling at everyone and everything, would people listen? or would they just think I'm crazy? I wish I had the courage to yell, but I always just end up chickening out. ALL THE TIME!

Someday, that is going to stop. Someday, people will listen. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe next year. It will happen. Someday. Hopefully tomorrow.

~lyss

I'm Not That Girl.....But That Girl Next To Me Is.

I know I whine about this alot. I end up writing the same things, being angry at the same two people, and talking about how she constantly hypnotizes him, but am I wasting my time? It's been almost a year since he said that he just wanted to stay friends. Why can't I just get over it?

Here are the possible reasons I have came up with:

1) He's just so cute! Why must he be so freaking adorable all the freaking time!! I mean, can't he just do something to make me angry for once? Can't he just call me a bad name, start cussing, stop respecting girls, or just start being mean? No. No he can't. Instead, he accidentally gives me hat head (then gave me a slight hug later), threatens to glue paper to my face, tells me how freaking awesome my art work was and begged me to let him have it, and mumbles about who knows what all time which always makes me smile or laugh. Yeah. That's real helpful Kalel, thank you for that.

2) She is everywhere. Everywhere I turn, she's there. A lot of those times, he's with her. Everyday right after lunch, he comes up and talks to me and o. What a coincidence that her locker just happens to be right by my classroom door that we have to sit in front of waiting for the teacher. He only talks to us until she comes to her locker, then he completely ignores my existence. I also have two classes that I have to put up with her in. I was doing pretty good at ignoring her (except for the same-shirt-want-to-burn-hers incident, of course), until today. Today, my French teacher decided to put the one girl I absolutely did not want to sit by...right beside me. She will be there for the next 9 weeks. Joy. Now I have to be friendly. Now I have to actually talk to her, IN FRENCH.

and 3) Could it be love? Who knows, right? He's not going to snap out of it anytime soon. I just know it. I desperately want to get over him, but I......I just can't.

In the words of Elfie, "He could be that boy....but I'm not that girl."

~lyss

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