Once the Friendgirl, Always the Friendgirl..

I did it. I asked Chase to the prom. However, I didn't tell him why it took me so long to ask. He still has no idea that I actually like Kalel. By "actually" I mean, he has always had a feeling. I have known Kalel and his whole family practically my whole life. Chase would always tease me about liking Kalel and about Kalel liking me. My reaction was always something like, "NO I DON'T!! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? HE IS JUST MY FRIEND!!!!" as I chased him around the room threatening to run him over. But really, in my head it was more like, "YES I KNOW DON'T RUB IT IN!! HE'S RIGHT THERE SHUT UP! i hope kalel didn't see through that little display...." Kalel's reaction was usually just that he ignored it. He would just sit or lay there looking as if he couldn't care less what his nephew was blurting out to me. At least that is what I thought his reaction was like. Now that I think about it, however, maybe while he was looking like he didn't care, he was really thinking Why does she always do this? Would it be that horrible to like me?

If only I would have thought about that back then...Not that he really thought that, but if he did...I feel like a complete idiot. I really have liked him all this time. I was just..in denial I guess. I didn't think he liked me back and I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I was scared. So, I kept my mouth shut and denied everything anyone said about me liking him. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if once, just once, I decided not to go crazy and threaten to run people over. Unfortunately, I can't change the past. I'm too late. I'm always too late.

or maybe not...maybe I am not too late because he never liked me like that to begin with. Maybe it was just me. It's always just me. I am always just the friendgirl...

Oh I have lots of great qualities though! I am "one of the best girls he'd ever have the chance to date" because I am "reliable and honest and actually care," as he told my friend o. However, he doesn't like me like that, he just wishes he would. Talk about driving a person INSANE! So basically, he knows that I am awesome and wishes that he liked me like that, but he doesn't. That is CRAP and very depressing....

Why does this ALWAYS happen to me??!! Please explain! I understand that this happens to everyone, but this is becoming a ritual! I have liked about 5 different guys in the past 7 years and they ALL just wanted to stay friends. What is it about me that screams "DON'T DATE ME! I WILL BE TOTALLY COOL WITH JUST BEING FRIENDS FOREVER!", huh? I really don't get it. What do all of these other girls have that I don't?? What do I have to do to get him to think of me as something more? Why should I have to GET someone to like me, anyway?

I know, I know...I am a great person the way I am, right? These guys are stupid for not wanting me as anything more than a friend. I will find someone, someday who will realize how amazing I am. I get it. I just have to wait. and wait....and wait..........

I am getting impatient. You have no idea. I don't want to have to wait anymore...

~lyss

Is This A Big Deal, Or Am I Just Making It One?

My drama never seems like a big deal to the rest of the world. I am honestly not used to having MY OWN drama. It is always someone else's. So, when I do have drama/stress of my own, it is a big deal to ME but not to OTHERS.

Anyway, on to my not-a-very-big-deal-to-everyone-else drama.

First of all, let me recap and explain my last blog. I thought that I had finally gotten over Kalel. I told myself that I was done, and then...I just was. It was stange, but I was proud of myself. I finally did it. I got over him!

or not...

Suddenly, he was found holding some other girl's hand and it made me feel very...not over him. Great...That is just what I needed...Also, he is being very secretive about her. Are they just friends? or more? Who the heck is she? What is her name? All I know about her is what school she goes to, she has red steaks in her hair and he is going to prom with her.

Now, Prom is my other part of the drama/major stress.

You see, I am not the Prom type to begin with. I have never been before, but it is my senior year and I am told that I have to. I am ok with that now. Originally, however, I was going to ask Kalel. But as you can already guess...I was too late. again. I am always too late. For everything. Late for school, any other event, boys, deadlines, everything. I think I get it from Mom.

Speaking of Mom...

For the past month, she has been talking almost non-stop about Prom. She is helping to plan our Post-Prom and she has been trying to find me a date for Prom. The problem with that is, the only guy she could think of besides Kalel was Chase. Chase is a freshman...and Kalel's nephew. Is it just me or is that just a little WEIRD! Now, I thought I could just find someone else and not have to worry about it. Until Chase's mom asked my mom if I would be interested in going to Prom with him. I was already kinda weirded out, but willing to accept it. Then, Mom mentioned a double Prom date thing with Kalel and his mystery girl. WEIRDER! I don't like it. At all.

Now, for about a week I have been avoiding the whole Prom subject with Mom and Chase. I am failing miserably.

Mom won't leave me alone about it. She doesn't understand why I won't ask Chase. I tell my mom nearly everything, but not anything about boys. She doesn't know that I like Kalel. She doesn't understand how awkward it would be for me to "double date" with him. For some reason, I just can not tell her. When she asks me what is going on, all I can do is smile and laugh. I guess it's a nervous, embarassed habit? I don't know...but it's weird.

Also, I kept seeing Chase and not knowing what to say. I could tell he wanted me to ask him, but I just couldn't. If I ask him now, I will feel stupid and he will wonder or ask why I didn't ask the last two times we talked. What do I say? Do I tell him that I like his uncle? Do I leave that out and hope he doesn't ask?

Maybe I am making too big of a deal about this. I should either tell Mom or Chase. Chase might understand. He could actually help me in a way. He could tell me who mystery girl is and maybe distract me from them at Prom. That might work. But how do I know if he will agree to and understand it? I guess I have to take a risk. I am not good at risks...

~lyss

I'm Not That Girl.....But That Girl Next To Me Is.

I know I whine about this alot. I end up writing the same things, being angry at the same two people, and talking about how she constantly hypnotizes him, but am I wasting my time? It's been almost a year since he said that he just wanted to stay friends. Why can't I just get over it?

Here are the possible reasons I have came up with:

1) He's just so cute! Why must he be so freaking adorable all the freaking time!! I mean, can't he just do something to make me angry for once? Can't he just call me a bad name, start cussing, stop respecting girls, or just start being mean? No. No he can't. Instead, he accidentally gives me hat head (then gave me a slight hug later), threatens to glue paper to my face, tells me how freaking awesome my art work was and begged me to let him have it, and mumbles about who knows what all time which always makes me smile or laugh. Yeah. That's real helpful Kalel, thank you for that.

2) She is everywhere. Everywhere I turn, she's there. A lot of those times, he's with her. Everyday right after lunch, he comes up and talks to me and o. What a coincidence that her locker just happens to be right by my classroom door that we have to sit in front of waiting for the teacher. He only talks to us until she comes to her locker, then he completely ignores my existence. I also have two classes that I have to put up with her in. I was doing pretty good at ignoring her (except for the same-shirt-want-to-burn-hers incident, of course), until today. Today, my French teacher decided to put the one girl I absolutely did not want to sit by...right beside me. She will be there for the next 9 weeks. Joy. Now I have to be friendly. Now I have to actually talk to her, IN FRENCH.

and 3) Could it be love? Who knows, right? He's not going to snap out of it anytime soon. I just know it. I desperately want to get over him, but I......I just can't.

In the words of Elfie, "He could be that boy....but I'm not that girl."

~lyss

An Almost Very Merry Birthday To Me

Today is my 18th birthday. Being an adult makes me feel extremely excited, yet somewhat terrified at the same time. However, I won't get into a discussion about the pros and cons of being an adult right now.



Overall, my birthday was pretty close to perfect. All the people that I wanted to come to my party, came. All the people I didn't really want there but invited anyway so I wouldn't feel guilty, were too busy to come. Everything worked out as planned and I had all of my favorite people in the world around me all weekend. Bess spent the night on Friday and all day Saturday. Me, Bess, O, Han, Mom and Dad all went on the boat for a few hours on Saturday and then we (and Kalel joined us later) came back to my house where we watched Tommy Boy on our garage door with a borrowed projector. We had sooo much fun. Then, O spent the night and we stayed up until at least 4. The next day, my family all came over and we ate dumplings (my favorite!!) and Oreo cake (my new favorite kind of cake!). I got some cool guitar shirts, movies, a shelf for all of my many movies, a comfy chair, a eiffel tower photo album, a book, a light up cube thing..(i have no idea what it is called), a bag, magnets, a thing with japanese writing on it, some watercolor pencils, a drawing from O (finally! ^^), and over a hundred dollars towards my New York trip on Spring Break.



I had the perfect birthday.......almost.



The one thing that would have made it better would have been if Kalel had snapped out of his hypnotic state and realized that he actually liked me. That would have been nice....but of course, it didn't happen. I didn't think it would. It would have been amazing though if it did. One of the best birthday presents ever. Basically, Kalel is stuck in some far away fantasy land where he thinks he can get hypnogirl to like him. In reality, however, she just wants to be his friend. She actually even likes someone else. But he can't see that. He just can't seem to look away from her hypnotic eyes. Sometimes, I wish I could just smack him and he would snap out of it. I know that it wouldn't work though. This whole situation is making me angry. Not so much at hypnogirl anymore, but at Kalel. He is very frustrating......yet I can't seem to look away from his hypnotic eyes.



~lyss

A Clueless Boy, A Confusing "Friend", and A Crappy Sister

I have had three completely different things on my mind since Friday. I've been wanting and meaning to blog, but I didn't know which to blog about first. I usually talk about only one subject at a time. This time, though, I am going to be different.

The Clueless: (and yes. It is Kalel....again.)

I know I talk about him a lot, but it's not my fault. I'm going to see him...and Hypnogirl....everyday now. Seeing him this much should be a good thing, right? Most of the time it is and will be, but sometimes he makes me so angry! He doesn't even do anything wrong. He doesn't say anything to hurt me. He is just so CLUELESS!!! I could be right there next to him, totally staring right at him and he wouldn't even notice. He is defineately being hypnotised by you know who. I just know it. Why else would he add another class that she just so happened to be in? I mean, I know he likes art and he may like making pottery, I don't know. But is it just a coincidence that little miss amazing was in that class before he joined? Is it just a coincidence that he joined a class she was in, after her and her boyfriend broke up? I know what he is trying to do. He is trying to hypnotise her. When will he see that the girl who sits next to him doesn't need to be hypnotised. That was already done a long time ago and he wasn't even trying.

The Confusing:

I have only talked to Winnie once in the past 2 months. I have only seen her three times in the past 3-4 months (All three times I saw her, were for only about 2 seconds each. No words were said.) I'm losing her. I can't decide if that is good or bad. Maybe it is best if we just go our separate ways. It would sure save me a ton of headaches. On the other hand, if she ever does something really stupid or something happens to her, I will probably blame myself for not being there for her when I had once promised her I would be.

The Crappy:

Very few people even know I have a sister. I also have a brother, but most people are aware of that. You see, my dad was married before he met my mom. So, before me, he had Jess and Nelle. When I was little, they came over ever other weekend. I was actually kind of close-ish to my sister, until she moved in with a friend. Then she started making promises she couldn't keep, made lame excuses, and stopped coming around. She once promised she would come to my birthday party. I was so excited because I hadn't seen her in a while. People started coming, we ate cake, I opened presents, and then the phone rang. She said she couldn't make it because she "didn't feel good". Well guess what? After that phone call, I didn't feel very good either. I knew she was lying. I knew she just didn't want to go to some little girl's lame birthday party. She would much rather hang out with her friends than her own little sister. That fact has never changed. She doesn't know anything about me, nor does she try to get to know me. The only time I ever see her is on Christmas (sometimes) and very, very special occasions, like our niece being born and our brother's wedding. She says she doesn't have time to come visit, yet she can come see Landri at least once a month. She doesn't bother coming to see her dad or her sister. On the bright side though, I did get a very good brother. Jess actually has time for me and Dad. He knows me a lot better than Nelle ever did. He even kicked an enemy/bully of mine out of his wedding reception after party thing. Oh yea, and I now have a NEW sister that is way cooler than my real one. She even knows me better. Also they gave me the most adorable little niece ever! ^^

~lyss

She Has Become A Convienent Scapegoat

Everyone has had a scapegoat at least once. We use them to avoid our real problems. We take our anger out on them when we are actually angry at someone completely different. I have one of those convienent scapegoats right now. I call her Hypnogirl. I think she has some kind of weird hypnotic power to make everyone think she's little miss perfect and the best artist in the 11th grade. I'm not saying that I am jealous of her, because I'm not. I am just curious about a few things. Why does she have so many guys that like her? What does she have, that I don't? What does Kalel see in her, that's not in me?

I don't actually even know that he still likes her. He might still be completely in love with her or he might have gotten over her in the past year, when she got a boyfriend. I found out that he liked her when he confessed it in an email a year ago. That's actually when I realized how much I really liked him. I didn't really mind Hypnogirl until that email. I started thinking about how much I didn't really like her, except I didn't really know why. Then I realized it was because Kalel liked her. I already liked him before that, but that was really when I started falling. hard. very hard.

Now I have a class with Kalel, so maybe...just maybe...he will stop being such a silly slowpoke and snap out of it. Maybe I can get him out of his hypnotic state, if he is still in it. On the other hand, I have not one, but two classes with Hypnogirl. All I have to say is, I better not have to partner up with her for something. It won't be happy. It's not that I hate her, she is just frustrating me. In reality, I am probably actually mad at Kalel for just wanting to stay my "friend". I guess I am just going to have to stay just his "friend" for now and see where having him in my art class goes. And then someday, I will take another risk and approach him about it. This time...it will be in person instead of on a piece of paper.

~lyss