Still Not Enough A's, But That's About To Change.

Well it's been over 2 years since my "Too Many Q's, Not Enough A's" post, and I still have way more Q's than A's. However, I now have a very important individual on my side, whom I will call Mary. She is, by far, the BEST teacher I have ever had and ever will have. She's going to try her hardest to help me make more things go MY way for a change. For way too long now, things generally go my mom's way.

Every important decision in my life so far has basically went as follows:

"I want to do this with my life."
(*this* being the college i want to go to, the fact that I REALLY want to find out if i could drive, or wanting to be in the Disney College Program, so that I can take the first step to working for Disney as an animator or a graphic designer, SO FREAKIN' BAD IT HURTS!)

"Well, I don't really think you need all of that. You can do just fine with a degree from Ivy Tech Community College and get an ok job and live an ok life right here, where I can drive you around and take care of you for the rest of your life."

"umm.....yeah..."

My mom means well. She is an amazing parent and friend. I don't know what I would ever do without her. She usually knows what's best for me, but I think she's wrong on this one. I don't regret going to Ivy Tech. If I hadn't, I never would have met these amazing people and that would have been a shame. However, this can't be all that I am meant to do. I didn't work my butt off through elementary, jr high, and high school to 'just' go to a community college and live a mediocre life.

I've got big dreams. Dreams of working in the Disney Design Group, Walt Disney Animation Studios, Pixar Animation Studios, or designing movie posters, covers, and advertisements. The chances of succeeding and achieving any of these dreams are slim, I know.

But somebody's got to make it out there, why can't it be me?

I'm Done

I'm done chickening out.
I'm done being non-confrontational when I need to be.
I'm done being jealous.
I'm done waiting.
I'm done caring why he likes her and not me.
I'm done letting people walk all over me.
I'm done being ignored.
I'm done. I'm done. I'M DONE!


It's time for a change -- a much needed change.


I don't care why he doesn't like me, anymore. Maybe he's just not worth it. Maybe this is God's way of saying, "Hey, he will cause too much drama. You don't need him. There is another guy out there for you." I've argued with Him about this a lot, but who am I to tell Him that He's wrong? Who cares if hypnogirl is JUST LIKE ME and for some reason he ONLY LIKES HER? Not me, not anymore. I am not going to let him take over my life. If I want to take Drama class next semester, even if that means not having a class with him anymore, then I will. It's not like having a class with him has helped the situation at all. If anything it's made it worse.

And if I have a suggestion for the Yearbook, they will listen. I will make them. Since when do I dread going to my favorite class? Since I started letting them walk all over me, that's when. It's getting on my nerves.

Speaking of getting on my nerves, Han is making me angry! O is my best friend and I hate it when she is upset, which has been happening more than it should lately. All I want to do is yell at him. I want to MAKE him listen.

I wonder what would happen if I just started yelling. Yelling at everyone. I don't yell. So, if I just started yelling at everyone and everything, would people listen? or would they just think I'm crazy? I wish I had the courage to yell, but I always just end up chickening out. ALL THE TIME!

Someday, that is going to stop. Someday, people will listen. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe next year. It will happen. Someday. Hopefully tomorrow.

~lyss

A Royal Pain...On My Nerves

Have you ever wished that you had a remote that could control one of your friends? You know, like.....volume/mute, power, pause, stop, sleep, fast forward, channel up/down, .......function? or maybe you would like to make up some buttons; stop whining, be happy, make sense, stop only thinking about yourself. If you are nodding your head right now, that means you know exactly how I feel.

I met Winnie in junior high and we almost immediately became best friends. We had so much in common and I really liked hanging out with her. She came over all the time. We talked almost everyday. She kept telling me how she has never had a best friend like me before. They would usually be gone by now. She tends to be really confused, loud, annoying, over emotional, and stressful. Somehow though, I managed to overlook all that.

Then, Winnie's grandma died and she started to act different, but just a little. That is understandable though. About a year later, she started telling me about her horrible dad and how he always yells at her. I was concerned but I got a little scared when she came to school one day with bruises on her arm and back. I didn't realize it was that serious.

A few months later her parents got divorced. Her mom cheated on her dad. This may be a bad thing to say, but I don't blame her. Her dad is a jerk (to put it nicely. very. nicely.). Seriously, this guy is a psycho. He yells at her while she is on the phone and in public. Once, he was screaming at her because she didn't clean the hog pen good enough AT THE 4H FAIR. She was crying, people were staring, and I was right beside her. I wanted to punch him in the face. He tries to control her entire life; her friends, the classes she takes at school, everything she does, everything she has. Yet, she chooses HIM to live with. I guess she felt betrayed by her mom, but her mom is much better than her dad. I still don't understand why she made that decision.

So here she is, living with her dad who abuses her, mentally and sometimes physically, and he decides to get married again. She got herself a new mommy. and step-brother. She loved them at first, then her stepmom started acting different; crying and yelling all the time. She started leaving Winnie out. Now she can't stand living with any of them.

I tried to be there for her. I really tried. I tried until Winnie started acting like her dad. She hurt two people who are very important to me, two people who didn't deserve to be hurt. She judges people way too much. She doesn't think about the consequences of everything she says and does. I know that maybe it's her dad's fault, but she doesn't have to be like her dad. I am just afraid that she will be.

It's not just the way she treats other people or doesn't think sometimes that makes me so irratated. She keeps distancing herself more and more. She doesn't tell me anything. I have no idea what is going on in her life. The only thing I know about her life right now is that she has already had more boyfriends this summer than I have had in my whole life. She has called me a few times this summer, but it's like we are complete strangers. We have no idea what to talk about anymore. Even when we do have something to talk about, it's usually about her and she is the one doing the talking.

I don't know what to do about that girl. She grinds and grinds and grinds at my nerves and sooner or later I won't have any left. I have tried to talk to her about it. I told her that she has changed, but all she did was deny it and accuse ME of changing. Now I can't really even stand to be around her. Is that bad? Should I be there for her and help her? I am just not sure that I can help her anymore. I am out of helpfulness and it's not like she ever returns the favor.

~lyss