Once the Friendgirl, Always the Friendgirl..

I did it. I asked Chase to the prom. However, I didn't tell him why it took me so long to ask. He still has no idea that I actually like Kalel. By "actually" I mean, he has always had a feeling. I have known Kalel and his whole family practically my whole life. Chase would always tease me about liking Kalel and about Kalel liking me. My reaction was always something like, "NO I DON'T!! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? HE IS JUST MY FRIEND!!!!" as I chased him around the room threatening to run him over. But really, in my head it was more like, "YES I KNOW DON'T RUB IT IN!! HE'S RIGHT THERE SHUT UP! i hope kalel didn't see through that little display...." Kalel's reaction was usually just that he ignored it. He would just sit or lay there looking as if he couldn't care less what his nephew was blurting out to me. At least that is what I thought his reaction was like. Now that I think about it, however, maybe while he was looking like he didn't care, he was really thinking Why does she always do this? Would it be that horrible to like me?

If only I would have thought about that back then...Not that he really thought that, but if he did...I feel like a complete idiot. I really have liked him all this time. I was just..in denial I guess. I didn't think he liked me back and I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I was scared. So, I kept my mouth shut and denied everything anyone said about me liking him. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if once, just once, I decided not to go crazy and threaten to run people over. Unfortunately, I can't change the past. I'm too late. I'm always too late.

or maybe not...maybe I am not too late because he never liked me like that to begin with. Maybe it was just me. It's always just me. I am always just the friendgirl...

Oh I have lots of great qualities though! I am "one of the best girls he'd ever have the chance to date" because I am "reliable and honest and actually care," as he told my friend o. However, he doesn't like me like that, he just wishes he would. Talk about driving a person INSANE! So basically, he knows that I am awesome and wishes that he liked me like that, but he doesn't. That is CRAP and very depressing....

Why does this ALWAYS happen to me??!! Please explain! I understand that this happens to everyone, but this is becoming a ritual! I have liked about 5 different guys in the past 7 years and they ALL just wanted to stay friends. What is it about me that screams "DON'T DATE ME! I WILL BE TOTALLY COOL WITH JUST BEING FRIENDS FOREVER!", huh? I really don't get it. What do all of these other girls have that I don't?? What do I have to do to get him to think of me as something more? Why should I have to GET someone to like me, anyway?

I know, I know...I am a great person the way I am, right? These guys are stupid for not wanting me as anything more than a friend. I will find someone, someday who will realize how amazing I am. I get it. I just have to wait. and wait....and wait..........

I am getting impatient. You have no idea. I don't want to have to wait anymore...

~lyss