Go Figure

Have you ever been so high on sleep deprivation that you just wanted to stay up all night? Well, I wanted to last night. Usually I have to go to bed when my mom does. Partically because she has to help me get in bed, but mostly because she just wants me to go to bed. Last night, though, she got in bed at 9 something because she had a headache. Dad was getting ready to go to bed at 11 something and said, "How are you going to go to bed?"

I repied, "Maybe I won't. xD"

He said, "I don't care. It wouldn't bother me any. As long as you don't have to go to the bathroom."

It was 1 a.m. when I decided to get off the computer, sneak to my room, lay on my comfy couch, watch a movie, and pray that Mom didn't wake up. I got to my room and saw that my couch had a bunch of junk on it. I got it almost all the way cleaned off and sure enough, Mom walked in.

All I wanted was one night of freedom. One night that I could just stay up as late as I wanted. One time that I could feel like just a normal teen who stayed up way too late just because I could. I am 7 weeks away from being an adult. So why do I feel like I am 10 years old with a bed time?

This may not seem like a very big deal to anyone else. Maybe it isn't a big deal, I don't know. All I know is that I was so excited when I realized that I might have one night to do whatever I wanted. I felt somewhat free. But the second Mom walked in to my room I felt like I was being pushed back in to my cage. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. She has always been there for me. I can't thank her enough for everything she does for me on a daily basis. I just wish that sometimes she would treat me more like a 17, almost 18 year old instead of a little kid who needs help all the time and has to go to bed when she does. She doesn't mean to, but sometimes she makes me feel more handicapped than I am. All she would have to do is take me to the bathroom and put my PJs on. I could get in my bed and figure out how to pull up my covers.

Do I talk to her about it? I've tried before, she didn't really listen. I don't know what to do. Once again I am left with more questions than answers. Go figure. That's pretty much the story of my life.

~lyss

Too Many Q's, Not Enough A's.

Time really does fly doesn't it? One minute you are a scared little freshman getting ready to start high school, the next you are a scared senior getting ready to graduate. I still have a year before I graduate, but that doesn't make me any less scared. I have the same fears that every other senior has. Will I actually get to see my friends as much as I hope? Will I pick the right college to go to? I also have a whole different set of fears that most people don't even have to think about.

I haven't mentioned this yet, but I am handicapped. Not mentally though, my brain is perfectly normal (for the most part. haha.) I have what's called Arthrogryposis. Basically, it just means that some of my joints are deformed (in my hands and feet mainly) and the muscles in my arms and legs are very thin or not there at all. I usually feel fairly independent, but there are times when I feel completely helpless. I need help getting dressed, taking a bath, going to the bathroom, brushing my hair, brushing my teeth, putting on makeup...basically everything you do in the morning or at night. Do you have any idea how annoying that is? Not to mention embarrassing, kinda gross, and very, very uncomfortable.

Anyway, I've been thinking about this more and more lately. I am going to want to move out of here someday. But how? Who will do all of those embarrassing, gross and uncomfortable things for me? I can't just live here forever. I can't have my mom help me for the rest of her life. I love my parents and my house, but I don't want to just stay here. I want to move out, figure things out on my own, be free. I feel so trapped. I am trapped in my own little world and there is no way out, trapped in this house that I can't just take off from and drive somewhere, trapped inside this helpless body that I would gladly trade in for a new one. I don't even care what it looks like. Most people are so paranoid about their bodies not looking pretty enough when all I want is a pair of working arms and legs.

I wish I could go to some big, fancy art school somewhere, but how would I live in a dorm room? My mom can't just pack up and go with me. She has a husband, a family, pets, and a life here. I don't think I would really want her to go with me anyway. I love her, but there are just certain things I wish I could experience on my own.

I want to be able to travel to France, Italy, Austrailia, Japan, China, everywhere! I know that requires money, but that is not the point. I just want the ability to do something crazy like....move to a little apartment in California with a few friends for the summer and get a job at Disneyland. I mean, how AMAZING would that be???? But even if we did get enough money and courage to actually just go live in California for a summer someday, how would I do that? Would mom have to go too? Or would O help me? Would she be willing to do that? Would I want her to? Same goes with moving out. I would have to live with someone, a good friend like O or Bess. How uncomfortable would it be if they helped me with everything? What about when I get married someday? Who would help me then? My husband?? hmm.....THAT would be uncomfortable.

Told you I had a whole different set of fears than most people. I have so many questions and not one answer. You have no idea how much that scares me. I will eventually answer these questions. I'll figure it out someday and I'm sure everything will work out. Until then, I am left with all these questions and somehow, someday, I'm going to have to answer them.

~lyss